Tuesday, December 23, 2003
Flu... or Conspiracy?
I have heard we have more cases and more dangerous strains of the flu now then ever before. I have been hearing since the late 1960's that the government, in its ever-increasing desire to develop biological weapons, has systematically released contagions in the subways of New York. I have been hearing since the late 1980's that our digging up of the Rain Forests has unearthed deadly diseases that are millions of years old and therefore have no modern antibodies. I have heard that perhaps the real "weapons of mass destruction" are viral and have already been released. I tend to believe they are all possible -- I like a conspiracy theory as much as the next guy.
I would like to place before you my own conspiracy theory.
I have come to believe there is a conspiracy all right, a conspiracy of clods. Ill-mannered, bullying, self-centered clods whose agenda is simple: turn the human race back into Cro-Magnons.
Watch the way people drive -- never letting you in, tail-gating, cutting you off, no consideration for your safety. What is Road Rage but a lack of politeness, of good manners.
Don’t we each have a clod in the lunch room or favorite restaurant -- someone who smacks their lips and never closes a mouth when chewing? Yuck!
We all use public restrooms. Tell me -- why don’t people wash their hands? We should all stop and wash hands at every opportunity. Think of every little thing we each touch every day from doorknobs to money (and we don’t want to think about what disgusting garbage is really on money!).
But the clods’ biggest success has to be the spread of flu virus. The clods never cover a sneeze or a cough, preferring to spread the contagions, some of them deadly, in crowds, in offices, in stores and malls, then indiscriminately touch touch touching everything they can, insuring a mass outbreak. I am now surrounded by dripping, sniffling, snorting, raspy throated people that more resemble the cro-magnons with each passing day. The clods are winning in Michigan.
The flu virus is contagious one day before any symptoms appear and for up to seven days after making someone sick. Covering the mouth and nose with tissue when sneezing and coughing is not an Old Wives Tale -- it is basic etiquette, which happens to actually work. And cleaning and sanitizing hands after catching the germs in a tissue is etiquette, too. Others will breathe safer as we join the army of homo-sapiens to fight the clods. Wash your hands, try not to touch your face (especially nose, mouth, or eyes), and do everything you can to help the human race stay healthy and safe. Use the rules of etiquette that only the human brain can appreciate.
Please, join the battle. Be polite, be patient. Etiquette is not an outdated concept. It is the only weapon against ignorance, the clods’ spread of flu virus, and true mass destruction of our species.
I have heard we have more cases and more dangerous strains of the flu now then ever before. I have been hearing since the late 1960's that the government, in its ever-increasing desire to develop biological weapons, has systematically released contagions in the subways of New York. I have been hearing since the late 1980's that our digging up of the Rain Forests has unearthed deadly diseases that are millions of years old and therefore have no modern antibodies. I have heard that perhaps the real "weapons of mass destruction" are viral and have already been released. I tend to believe they are all possible -- I like a conspiracy theory as much as the next guy.
I would like to place before you my own conspiracy theory.
I have come to believe there is a conspiracy all right, a conspiracy of clods. Ill-mannered, bullying, self-centered clods whose agenda is simple: turn the human race back into Cro-Magnons.
Watch the way people drive -- never letting you in, tail-gating, cutting you off, no consideration for your safety. What is Road Rage but a lack of politeness, of good manners.
Don’t we each have a clod in the lunch room or favorite restaurant -- someone who smacks their lips and never closes a mouth when chewing? Yuck!
We all use public restrooms. Tell me -- why don’t people wash their hands? We should all stop and wash hands at every opportunity. Think of every little thing we each touch every day from doorknobs to money (and we don’t want to think about what disgusting garbage is really on money!).
But the clods’ biggest success has to be the spread of flu virus. The clods never cover a sneeze or a cough, preferring to spread the contagions, some of them deadly, in crowds, in offices, in stores and malls, then indiscriminately touch touch touching everything they can, insuring a mass outbreak. I am now surrounded by dripping, sniffling, snorting, raspy throated people that more resemble the cro-magnons with each passing day. The clods are winning in Michigan.
The flu virus is contagious one day before any symptoms appear and for up to seven days after making someone sick. Covering the mouth and nose with tissue when sneezing and coughing is not an Old Wives Tale -- it is basic etiquette, which happens to actually work. And cleaning and sanitizing hands after catching the germs in a tissue is etiquette, too. Others will breathe safer as we join the army of homo-sapiens to fight the clods. Wash your hands, try not to touch your face (especially nose, mouth, or eyes), and do everything you can to help the human race stay healthy and safe. Use the rules of etiquette that only the human brain can appreciate.
Please, join the battle. Be polite, be patient. Etiquette is not an outdated concept. It is the only weapon against ignorance, the clods’ spread of flu virus, and true mass destruction of our species.
